"She" doesn't win

Apr 11, 2020

 by Cindee Henderson

This is probably one of the most open, transparent and honest posts I have written in a very long time. I am usually very open about my health journey and all that has taken over the years but I've been afraid... read on if you like but it will take awhile. 

I sit here Easter weekend - a true season of hope and new beginnings - I have a closed down physical brick and mortar business, that I have pivoted to a success full online/virtual fitness options for people, a house that we are working to update, feeling tired and stressed and yet know I have so very many blessings and things to be grateful for. Feelings of a roller coaster ride come to mind - there is a definite feeling of uncertainty and stress and gratitude and mindless eating all of which are a daily cycle.

I'm scared. I am watching all of those things that I have worked so very hard for slowly disappear.... my weight loss of over 100# is still at 65 lbs which is a lot but I feel myself slipping. That scares me. I thought "she" was gone. I thought "she" knew better and I thought "she" had it figured out.

"She" - which is "me" - doesn't. Her old habits are there alive and well. The constant grazing, the lethargy, the sleeplessness, the lack of desire to be or do anything - everything is a struggle - one foot at a time and "she" would rather do nothing.

Even "her" old thinking is back - " who cares,it doesn't matter anyway, its such a struggle" The word play is loud and clear and as much as I try to read positive words, repeat positive quotes and fill my mind with gratitude and positive - "she" would rather give up.

That's what scares me - giving up. Not having to try again. Not having to be accountable again. Not working hard again. Not going to the tools that have worked so well before. Not knowing I will feel hungry when I'm not. Not exercising when I'd rather not. Not following a program. Not completing even one full day without back sliding. GIVING UP ON ME SCARES ME!

I am that close to being there.... the fear is real. I have committed to absolutely nothing the last several years for myself - I've dedicated my passion to helping others - giving hope, encouragement, inspiration when I have given "her" nothing. I have not given "her" the compassion, the care and the same energy I have given to others. "She" has suffered and is suffering.

I learned that "suffering" is a state of mind but is also a decision. Thank you Justin for that clarity. "She" can remain here or make a decision to move out of it.

The reality is I have and am successful on this journey of health. I have kept off most of the weight for well over 12 years. Changing that tune in my head is harder than you think. Relying on positive people to help you through has always been the key for me. Many have helped me along the way - all as coaches and mentors and have held me accountable. I do have successes in my life to know that I can do this and do it well.

Today "She" decided to swallow the fear and face it head on. "She" decided to write this post because being held accountable is huge and so is being honest and open.

It's now "my" decision. To follow a program that I know works and will give me the jump start I know I need. I know that eating well, cooking meal prep, workouts and writing down what I eat and my exercise/activity as well as a gratitude journal will take me where I want to go. "I" made the decision for "her" to end the suffering. But that is a lot of work and commitment that I know I will backslide from if I try to do it all at once.

Well, most of you know me and know I have tried a bazillion things over the years and have stuck with virtually nothing..... I have been a beachbody coach, tried Isagenix, weight watchers, Noom, Keto, Atkins, Tops, my own programs that I share in my studio (of which I last maybe 6 hours) and the list goes on.....I've literally been all over the place with zero commitment to anything.

So what's next?

A few months ago, I aligned with Arbonne. I know you're thinking - here it comes - the sales pitch. It's not -I am telling you why this is MY solution for HER.... a family member has celiac and I have autoimmune Graves Disease - I have to be careful about ingredients - these are pure, gluten free all the way from what I put inside "me" to what I use on the "outside". I also am basically lazy so having a one stop shop works best.
Is there an investment of finances and time - yes. Believe me I have "invested" more over the years in failed choices than I have in a successful one and walked away and thrown away more products and solutions than I would care to admit. And that includes stocking up with healthy foods but grabbing fast food instead...

Why is this different.....

I know that the 30 Day Healthy Living program works and is a healthy way for me to realign with my own beliefs - real food and movement. But, I know that "I" am weak and "I" right now cannot stay out of the kitchen. Meal prepping, focusing on food is not what "I" can do right now. I have to distance myself from the room in the kitchen that is my downfall. I graze constantly - healthy choices become unhealthy ones or too much of something.

I know that I have products on hand to get started (yep "she" keeps talking me out of it and remember I invest with the best of intentions ).

I know that I have to do something safe and sane and will hold me accountable. This program will do that for "me". Limiting my exposure to cooking and being in the kitchen is something I need right now.

Knowing I have support of a couple of great healthy shakes a day that will give me energy, I can prepare my snacks ahead and then focus on fixing 1 healthy meal a day is what "I" need. It's not a quick fix - I don't do those - this is a stepping stone to better habits that I need and am ready to revisit and reapply.

Not "her" - "she" would rather I give up and stay gaining weight, being unhealthy and feeling like crap. "She" loves my being lazy and not caring.

Not today. Not tomorrow - "she" doesn't win... I DO!

So for 30 days - I am being accountable here with "me" - you are welcome to follow along. I will post real results, feelings, issues - the good, the bad and the ugly.

I plan to come through this time of uncertainty - being certain about what "my" outcome will be - healthier, feeling better and ready for what comes next.

Stay tuned and if you read this far - you deserve to take care of you too. You are welcome to join me or follow along. I understand you want to "see" if I really stick with it that makes you human and me too.